A Day Without Alcohol Is A Sober Day
Posted: Tuesday, May 01, 2007
by Susan Thom
I’ve written nine articles for this online magazine, and the one that has been read the most, is "So Much Better Without Alcohol." I wrote a story on getting back with my childhood sweetheart, and was happy that it was at the top of my list, with twelve readers. I wrote the alcohol piece last night, and sixty eight people have read it. That makes me sad. Glad that people read it, sad that they had to. Alcohol addiction is one of the hardest things to get past, besides food, since you need to eat something at least to sustain life. I think the biggest thing in breaking the cycle of alcohol addiction, is to figure out what it is about your core make-up, your childhood memories, your belief system, your needs, your wants, that are imbalanced, and causing you some type of shame or guilt, causing you to drink. That’s pretty much it in a nutshell.
I had relinquished control over my faith in the years prior, especially when my mom died in 1989. I began to get it back and realized there was someone stronger and brighter than me that was guiding my path. I learned the saying, "Let go and Let God", and when I remembered it, I tried to abide by it. The longer time went on, the more a part of me that saying became. If I can’t handle a situation on my own, I need to give it over to a Higher Power, and see what they can do with it. It’s good to have help, especially that kind!
I met a lot of good people. You don’t have to be bad or crazy to be an alcoholic. I wasn’t. Well, maybe a little crazy, but I was a good person with good morals. I just liked to drink. And drink a lot. And let all the stuff out that was in the pit of my stomach, and through drinking, all inhibitions would vanish, and wala, someone was getting told off if they were one of the lucky ones to tick me off. Hangovers and apologies and sleeping on the cold bathroom floor after getting sick umpteenth times, forgetting what I did, and with whom, leaving things behind at bars or parties or wherever, like my purse, or my keys or my jacket, and definitely, my dignity. Always my dignity. I didn’t want to live like that anymore. My husband always reveled in his opening line after a night of drinking as I was trying to adjust my eyes to light! "Do you know what you did last night?" I never wanted to know. Sometimes, he told me anyway. I never remembered, but I always was shameful and filled with remorse and self pity. How do you get out of that? How do you stop? How do you give up something that has been your friend, in your eyes, your crutch, for twenty years, almost daily?
Mary had a baby, "Oh, let’s celebrate." Johnny graduated high school. "Hey, let’s crack open some champagne. Jenny’s mom died, "Oh, let’s toast to her life." And we might as well toast to Jenny’s pain." "Let’s have a pampered chef party." "Okay, I’ll bring the wine." Everything revolved around alcohol. When my first child, my daughter, was born, a friend of mine brought a whiskey bottle to the hospital and all family and friends went to the solarium and had a toast. Except me, I had two or three or four. I come from a line of alcoholics. My grandfather, my father, me, my younger brother, my nephew. It’s a sickness, and it can be controlled and stopped. And I can say that only because I actually did it, and continue to for thirteen years now. I have had crisis’s happen in my life that landed me in bed, close to or at, a nervous breakdown. But not once did I ever reach for a drink. I thought about it a lot, but I never reached for one. I knew that would only make matters worse, and I was too stubborn to let all my hard work for so many years, go down the drain. And, being a progressive disease, I wasn’t going to get back into that lifestyle again, and worse.
I still have an addictive personality. I have to watch myself very carefully, I have to put back the second and third shirt that "match" the one I have, I need to tell myself I’ve had enough coffee, or the pot is gone. I have to remind myself that I don’t go hiking, so I don’t need hiking boots just because I want them. I tell myself, "You don’t need three coats, you can only wear one at a time." And don’t even let me near the dollar store. That’s an addicts delight. And I still walk out with a forty dollar bill. What the hell do I need with forty items from the dollar store? The point is, years ago, I would have bought whatever I wanted, or the kids wanted, and when I couldn’t pay the bills, I’d just drink when my husband was home, or the kids went to bed. Escape, I always used alcohol as an escape, until I learned how to deal with that I didn’t think I could escape from. I couldn’t escape, but I could learn to deal, and clean up my act. And I did. And it’s kept me sober.
I am going to a reflexologist, and I feel better than I have in years. Alcohol does a number on your mind and body. I am raising three kids, shall I say, although two are nineteen and twenty one, they still live at home, and my youngest is sixteen. They don’t remember me drinking, and that’s a good thing. I have to pay attention to them, too, in case I see any signs of addictive behavior. Drinking, for me, is now a thing of the past. No more guilt, no more shame. and if I ever feel that I am going to take that drink, I know where to get my ass quickly. I’m stronger in mind and body, and continue my quest to get even stronger. I want to live peacefully, enjoy nature, enjoy what I have, and remember where I’ve been.
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