Yes, I'm Sure I'm An Alcoholic
Posted: Friday, May 04, 2007
by Susan Thom
In the thirteen years I've stayed away from a drink, the one question I have been asked the most is, "How do you know if you're an alcoholic?" I knew I was an alcoholic, because I couldn't stop reaching for a drink whenever I felt scared, or hurt, or angry, or jittery, or happy, or lonely, or confused, or bitter. When it's 9:45, and the liquor store close at 10, and you're racing down the roadway in your pajamas to get there before they close, that might be a sign.
My dad was an alcoholic, and no one in my family has yet to recognize it, and he passed away six years ago. No one thought so because he was not a fall down drunk, and he went to work every day of his life. I knew, because he could not go without at least 2-4 beers a night. Had to have them. Would go to another town if all the liquor stores in our town closed. He never missed those days at work, and he never missed those beers at night.
And if there was an occasion or a holiday or a visit, he would drink more than 2-4 beers, and would start his obnoxious, loud, belligerent arguing with whomever was unfortunate enough to be sitting next to him. He had no preference. He would argue with any family member, friend, or outsider. I watched and heard all this growing up, and I still became an alcoholic myself.
It's not hard to do, you just drink. You drink until the pain goes away. You drink until you can stop your brain from yakking, and you can go to sleep. You drink because you just want to escape the reality your life is undergoing at the time. An alcoholic can drink once a year, and still be an alcoholic, if during that once a year, they can't stop at 1 or 2 drinks, but need to get totally inebriated.
It's not hard to do, you just drink. You drink until the pain goes away. You drink until you can stop your brain from yakking, and you can go to sleep. You drink because you just want to escape the reality your life is undergoing at the time. An alcoholic can drink once a year, and still be an alcoholic, if during that once a year, they can't stop at 1 or 2 drinks, but need to get totally inebriated.
Need is the best way I can think of to explain an alcoholic. They NEED to drink. Or they think they do, anyway. Every celebration is surrounded by the amount of alcohol available. Beer, wine, mixed drinks, the more the merrier! I know someone who has had 2-3 scotches a night, so they can go to sleep, for the past 18 years I've known them. They have sent their wife out in snowstorms to go get another bottle of Scotch. There was a time I would keep a bottle on hand for when they'd visit, but stopped when I was used as a back up.
This person never misses work, has a prominent job, and has no idea they are an alcoholic. However, there has not been one night in the past 18 years, that they have gone without their scotch. It's a staple, like food. It's a must. A panic sets in if they go to the cabinet, and the cupboard is bare. And his wife would be off to the liquor store if my cupboard was bare, too!
Denial is one of the strongest character faults we all have, especially if we are alcoholic. "Oh, I wasn't that bad!" "I don't drink that much." "I only drink beer." "I only drink wine." "I only drink on Mondays, I only drink when we have friends over." I knew a woman who was sober for years, and decided by now, it was okay for her to have a couple of glasses of wine while she cooked dinner for a friend. She then went out in her car to pick her friend up, got pulled over, it was her second DWI, and she lost her license for 10 years. She got it back when she was in her 60's.
There are so many issues down deep inside us all that we either ignore, or can't identify. Those issues are what make us drink. Any feelings or thoughts we don't want to deal with, we drink away. Always ignoring the fact that when we wake up hung over, or in a jail cell, the same thoughts and problems are with us, only now we have some more. No license.
Denial is one of the strongest character faults we all have, especially if we are alcoholic. "Oh, I wasn't that bad!" "I don't drink that much." "I only drink beer." "I only drink wine." "I only drink on Mondays, I only drink when we have friends over." I knew a woman who was sober for years, and decided by now, it was okay for her to have a couple of glasses of wine while she cooked dinner for a friend. She then went out in her car to pick her friend up, got pulled over, it was her second DWI, and she lost her license for 10 years. She got it back when she was in her 60's.
There are so many issues down deep inside us all that we either ignore, or can't identify. Those issues are what make us drink. Any feelings or thoughts we don't want to deal with, we drink away. Always ignoring the fact that when we wake up hung over, or in a jail cell, the same thoughts and problems are with us, only now we have some more. No license.
"How do we get to work?" Most drive on the revoked list because they need the money to pay their bills. No pressure there, especially everytime a cop passes or is parked waiting to add to our "problems." "Damn cops! " In an alcoholic's world, it's usually everyone else that's at fault. "My father beat me when I was a kid." "I was bullied in school." "My girlfriend left me for another guy." We slyly refer to these as "reasons," but in reality, they are simply "excuses." Reasons why we can and should drink.
And the consumption of alcohol is way up in teens in school. I tried to get our Middle and High School to implement a Recovery program in the schools, but received no reply to my many e mails and messages. Those kids are soon to be out of school, and in society, driving around after drinking, not showing up at the workplace, not taking care of their responsibilities. Many have or will shortly have kids. How will they support them if all their money is going to the DMV and insurance companies?
It's almost comical how people think they act no different under the influence of alcohol. Many have seen for themselves, when shown the video tapes the cops took when they arrested them, and they couldn't even walk a straight line. And the ABC's were just so long ago, how could anyone expect them to remember?
And the consumption of alcohol is way up in teens in school. I tried to get our Middle and High School to implement a Recovery program in the schools, but received no reply to my many e mails and messages. Those kids are soon to be out of school, and in society, driving around after drinking, not showing up at the workplace, not taking care of their responsibilities. Many have or will shortly have kids. How will they support them if all their money is going to the DMV and insurance companies?
It's almost comical how people think they act no different under the influence of alcohol. Many have seen for themselves, when shown the video tapes the cops took when they arrested them, and they couldn't even walk a straight line. And the ABC's were just so long ago, how could anyone expect them to remember?
Always someone or something else's fault. I wonder, if they took a poll, how many babies are born without father's because the mother was wasted, and doesn't even remember who she was with? I can't smoke in a restaurant, but the people at the table next to me just finished their 3 rd bottle of champagne, and will be out on the roads shortly. I know I'll be driving fine.
It boils down to the psychology of the mind. We alcoholics have to extinguish all that is within us, from childhood on, and leave the baggage at home, or at the therapist's office, or in the wind, but we have to get it up and out, or we are doomed. We won't be able to stop drinking with any success until we do. Therapy is the best mode of consciously trying to help one's self. A 12 step program is what saved me.
It boils down to the psychology of the mind. We alcoholics have to extinguish all that is within us, from childhood on, and leave the baggage at home, or at the therapist's office, or in the wind, but we have to get it up and out, or we are doomed. We won't be able to stop drinking with any success until we do. Therapy is the best mode of consciously trying to help one's self. A 12 step program is what saved me.
I was scared to death the first time I walked into a meeting, in my church, in the room downstairs where I taught Sunday school! I was approached by some women who helped me, and made me feel more comfortable, and I went to another meeting the next night. I didn't stop for 4 ½ years. I got involved, I sponsored a few people, I spoke in front of large groups, and I learned what I hadn't been exposed to as a kid. Tools to help me keep my life in order. Chaos surely will lead to drinking. I worked the 12 steps, and I made a lot of progress. i don't go to meetings anymore, but i know exactly where they are if i ever feel "the need."
I was calmer, more patient with myself and my kids, more focused, more connected with life. The more time went by, the better I felt. My kids never remember me drinking, and yet, I did. I stopped when my youngest was 3, my middle son was 6, and my daughter was 8. I had slowed down on my own the last year or 2, but that didn't kick me out of the "Alcoholic's Club." Why? Because when I did drink, at a picnic or gathering, I still had my alcoholic tendencies, I couldn't stop until I was just to the point I was able to make it to my bed from the neighbor's house, or the car, or wherever.
I was calmer, more patient with myself and my kids, more focused, more connected with life. The more time went by, the better I felt. My kids never remember me drinking, and yet, I did. I stopped when my youngest was 3, my middle son was 6, and my daughter was 8. I had slowed down on my own the last year or 2, but that didn't kick me out of the "Alcoholic's Club." Why? Because when I did drink, at a picnic or gathering, I still had my alcoholic tendencies, I couldn't stop until I was just to the point I was able to make it to my bed from the neighbor's house, or the car, or wherever.
I couldn't just have 1 or 2 drinks, I had to have 6 or 7, even if it was only once every few months. The cold hard facts were that I was an Alcoholic, and I couldn't drink. Period. Going to meetings was the best thing I ever did. Knowledge is a Blessing, wherever it comes from, and I was able to get the knowledge I needed to stop drinking. No more hangovers, no more forgetting parts of my life!, and I had a lot of blackouts. No more guilt or shame. It felt really good, for the first time in 20 years. Instead of relying on booze, I was now relying on steps to help organize my life, and help me handle whatever came down the pike. And it was working.
It has been 13 years, and I have gone through some bad times in those years. My mom had already passed away while I was still drinking, and that desperate feeling drove me to drink more! After my 4 year drinking spree to "get over that," I was ready to quit, and get on with my life. My Dad passed 6 years ago, and I managed well. It didn't hurt any less, I just knew how to handle it in a better way. Sober!
It has been 13 years, and I have gone through some bad times in those years. My mom had already passed away while I was still drinking, and that desperate feeling drove me to drink more! After my 4 year drinking spree to "get over that," I was ready to quit, and get on with my life. My Dad passed 6 years ago, and I managed well. It didn't hurt any less, I just knew how to handle it in a better way. Sober!
And I was able to use all I had learned to get through it without a drink. Not that I didn't think about it, but that I no longer reached for it. At my mom's wake, my brother and I had a couple of pitchers of beer between visitations, and were pretty drunk for the second showing. And yes, everyone knew. I didn't want to live my life like that anymore. How do you make up to your mother for that? You quit, that's what you do.
It doesn't matter how many times you drink a year, if you cannot stop once you start, even if you think you should, and other people have to fill you in with parts of your life, you might want to take stock of what's going on, and what role alcohol plays in your life. If you are at a bar and you feel woozy, and you're thinking about ordering another drink, but you know you shouldn't, and then you do, there's a problem.
It doesn't matter how many times you drink a year, if you cannot stop once you start, even if you think you should, and other people have to fill you in with parts of your life, you might want to take stock of what's going on, and what role alcohol plays in your life. If you are at a bar and you feel woozy, and you're thinking about ordering another drink, but you know you shouldn't, and then you do, there's a problem.
And the problem could be that your mother left you, or your wife cheated on you, or you lost your job, and those are the things that you have to address. You have to take a look at what your real issues are and do the appropriate thing to deal with those issues. It could be meetings, or a therapist, or both.
Once these issues are discarded, one by one, the desire to drown yourself with alcohol, is diminished. But, that doesn't mean you can drink again. You still have an addictive behavior, and alcohol will not only do the same thing to you, but being a progressive disease, it will do worse. So, the key, I believe, is to go to meetings, once a week, whenever it feels comfortable for you, and see a therapist, get those issues taken care of.
Life is so much better without blackouts, and apologies, and guilt and shame and denial. And you save a lot of money! And your kids don't have to watch you act like an idiot, or be afraid after one of your tantrums. If you reach for a drink, and you remember you want to stop, and you reach for it again, and try to put it back, but you can't, you HAVE to have that drink, maybe you should go to a meeting. You'll always walk out better than when you walked in.
Once these issues are discarded, one by one, the desire to drown yourself with alcohol, is diminished. But, that doesn't mean you can drink again. You still have an addictive behavior, and alcohol will not only do the same thing to you, but being a progressive disease, it will do worse. So, the key, I believe, is to go to meetings, once a week, whenever it feels comfortable for you, and see a therapist, get those issues taken care of.
Life is so much better without blackouts, and apologies, and guilt and shame and denial. And you save a lot of money! And your kids don't have to watch you act like an idiot, or be afraid after one of your tantrums. If you reach for a drink, and you remember you want to stop, and you reach for it again, and try to put it back, but you can't, you HAVE to have that drink, maybe you should go to a meeting. You'll always walk out better than when you walked in.
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More commentsHi Susan,thank you for your bravery in sharing & writing this article ,I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow for the first time in 6 years & I'm so scared !! I've been drinking for 4 years nearly every night & hid it from everyone ! I've alienated myself & considered suicide constantly,but I've had enough, I've thought about all my excuses ( being scottish & alcohol being part of our culture , being abused as a kid & having parents & grandparents who are either alcoholics or drug abusers & the key for me was a break down in my first & only relationship of 10 years but I know the only reason is my addictive personallity & my own inadequacies , I'm 35 & believe I am a good person but I Know I need help & I just want to share & get any advise possible.thanks suep.s This is the first time I've admitted to anyone I have a problem but I cannot say I'll make it to the doctors tomorrow , the fear of embarresment ridicule & denial is so strong but I know I need to XjPlease log in to respond to this comment.dear xj,going for help, and participating to allow that help to better your life, is wonderful.i actually remember my children's whole childhood. or where i parked my car, or put my keys, or my purse. i don't have to worry when i'm driving that i'll ever get a dwi. when you attend 12 step meetings, you are surrounded by people such as yourself, who understand what you're going through, and share their own stories to better help you. you don't have to share, or you can, no pressure.there are open speaker nights when you listen to another's story, and try to relate, never compare. or, you can be the speaker and share your story.there are people that share their help, and sponsors who can guide you.i wish you nothing but the best, you just have to make the effort.embarassment is something you can overcome, hitting a child with your car and killing them would be much worse.i'll be here if you need to talk,my best regards,sue thomPlease log in to respond to this comment.
Thank you- I'm starting today- age 54Please log in to respond to this comment.
you're welcome.good luck. you CAN do it,my best regards,suePlease log in to respond to this comment.
Your article was excellent, so heartfelt and well written. I really need help but I have isssues with AA. I'm so fed up with this life. I know what to do to go forward but I don't do it. if it weren't for my little daughter I'd have left this world by now for sure. I feel so stuck. Your article has made me feel like I'm not alone and maybe life can change for the better. Thanks.Please log in to respond to this comment.dear winnergirl from scotland,any issues you have with AA, must be put to the side.if you don't want to believe in God, you put your Faith in the meetings until you may get an understanding. the meetings describe "the God of my understanding."what is said in the meetings, stays in the meetings, and most hold this fact sacred and don't spread anything they hear there.if you have a little girl, put her first, and swallow your pride, and your "issues." more people have stayed sober from going through the program and continuing on with maybe a meeting a week. you are definitely not alone. my friend was doing fine working the program, stopped, and now, at 47, is in a psychiatric hospital, brought on by his long time drinking, which resulted in divorce, and losing his 5 children when they finally had enough. it just isn't worth it, but sometimes, we need help, and for me, the meetings were it. in march, i will be sober for 16 years.i hope you give the meetings some thought; your daughter deserves to have her mother clean and sober, and so do you.good luck,my best regards,suePlease log in to respond to this comment.Winnergirl- I got sober, and have been in recovery for almost 3 years with Women for Sobriety. I can't post the website url, but Google and check WFS out.
Love-
AmyPlease log in to respond to this comment.hi amy,congratulations.it's nice when you don't have to retrace your steps the next day to find your purse, or when you have to nurse a hangover, or when you go out to have fun, and don't remember a second the next day, or spend half the day calling friends and apologizing for your behavior-what you remember.keep up the good work,my best regards,suePlease log in to respond to this comment.
Hi,I sence you have lived and gone through the experiences of an alcoholic. I appreciated your story and insite, to a point. I felt you went from understanding and relating to just flapping your gums! You kindda lost me when you started ranting about kids in high school! Was this a public pole? Just thought you got side tracked on ALOT of other issues then just sharing your own. I appreciated them, just not your opions/ranting. I will check out the next site and hope it stays to the point ;)Please log in to respond to this comment.
Loved your story, could have been word for word, my own.RickPlease log in to respond to this comment.thank you so much rick.it's been quite an adventure, but one that is better endured sober.thanks for reading and commenting,Please log in to respond to this comment.
I've been coming to terms this week about being an alcoholic. Been in denial for some time, and it's pointless to lie to myself any longer. This post lifted the shame from me and made it ok to see past the horror that I feel over myself. Besides, that kind of shame just makes me want to run for cover in my bottle. Thank you for your honesty and the small push. I really needed itPlease log in to respond to this comment.hi anon,you have made the first step by admitting it.don't be afraid.there are many out there who understand and can help.i wish you luck, but it's more to do with you doing what you have to do, and that starts with a meeting. i wish you well.life can change drastically for the better-just give it a chance,my best regards,suePlease log in to respond to this comment.
I am an alcoholic and this was exactly what I needed to continue my quit. Thank you so much.Please log in to respond to this comment.hi anon,keep up the fight, the results are miraculous.thank you for reading and commenting,my best to you as you continue on your journey,my best regards,suePlease log in to respond to this comment.
Congratulation Susan.I've tried, and tried; maybe not hard enough given my current state but, when 3-4 days of sobriety have past and I feel happy, invincible and thankful that I'm sober, my brain goes a little off. I am confused and not sure of anything. I hate to think that the wall I keep hitting may be the DT's. Please God, give me the strength to make it over that wall.Please log in to respond to this comment.
hi stephen,if you keep support around you, it helps. going to meetings, talking to men with good sobriety, telling them your fears, you may just make it over that wall.thanks for reading and commenting,my best,suePlease log in to respond to this comment.
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