Susan Thom

You Can Heal The Shame That Binds You


Posted: Friday, June 29, 2007

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I totally applaud any mother and father who act appropriately, and raise appropriate, well put together kids. Kids that never get in trouble or do anything wrong. They go to college, never do drugs, don’t drink, don’t smoke, graduate with good grades, get married, buy a beautiful home, have kids, and live happily ever after. The husband and wife communicate with each other, don’t raise their voices, and have patience with their kids. I, however, know no one like this.

My parents were a typical fifties couple who fought over bills and the four of us kids, and family members, and why my mom wanted to know why it took dad three hours to buy a pack of cigarettes. Every night the same routine. "I’m going out for a pack of cigarettes," my dad would say, and my mom’s usual, "don’t be too late." And off my dad would go to the local bar and sit and have a few beers with the guys.

When my siblings and I would fool around, and kept going after my dad told us to stop, he’d hit us with the belt. I don’t think it hurt that much. We girls shared a room, and the boys shared the other one, and we’d fool around until my dad came up with the belt, while we tried to get as much of the covers on us as possible. I was used to a lot of arguing, and my grandmother and two aunts lived on the other side of our duplex, and I heard a lot of arguing from them.

I loved my father terribly, he was my hero, but my aunts and grandmother didn’t like him at all. They would say bad things about him, and I would feel hurt. Even though my dad and I fought tooth and nail, as well. He still was my dad, and I loved him. I think they should have known that. They said them to my mother, too, and I know she was both hurt, and confused in having these things said about her husband by her sisters and her mother. Even if she was thinking them herself!

My dad was very regimented. He was an ex marine, and he went to work every day as a cook, and came home to sit on the couch, read the paper, have a couple of beers, watch the baseball or football game, and around nine, have one of us kids make him a sandwich, which was usually me. He said I made the best ones. That made me feel special. Then he’d watch the news, and go to bed. Same thing the next day. I would try to think of things to say that would grab his attention and make him talk with me, but it never worked. He’d always yell that either he was watching tv, or reading the paper. I never got the love and affection I wanted from him. Only after a particularly heavy argument, when I’d run up to my room and cry, and he’d come up and apologize, and make me hug him and give him a kiss, and left the room with everything being alright.

There was a lot of baggage from that period of time. Then the twenties and thirties came along with their share. I drank a lot back then, and I regret many things. Things I would never do sober. Things I don’t want to think about, and things that are shameful to me. Between my childhood confusion and my twenty year run of negative freedom, there was a lot of shame that bound me. I had been living a life foreign to who I really am, and was. I needed to square things with my dad. I had a conversation with him where we both ended with I love you and he told me he was proud of me, and that he had always been proud of me. That healed so much shame right there. My life started getting better, I slowed down on the drinking, I started living life, instead of waiting for it. I realized when I saw Maya Angelou, and heard her say, "We do what we know how to do, and when we know better, we do better", that I didn’t have to drown myself in self doubt and self hatred and guilt and shame. I only needed to know better, so I could do better, and never make the same mistakes again. I could finally sleep at night, and play with my kids, and have people over, because I no longer hated myself. Healing the shame that binds you can give you a whole new life. The negative in the soul can be replaced by positive. Yesterday is over. Today is a gift, that’s why they call it the present. It doesn’t matter anymore if daddy treated you like you weren’t there, or mommy made you wear pigtails, or grandma yelled at you all the time to get off her porch. What matters is today.

We have to free our souls so we can absorb the good energy waiting to be accepted. Negative energy can do nothing but bring us down. With positive energy, we can live happily, take care of whatever comes our way, and enjoy.

I believe life is a type of test in preparation of the afterlife, but I also believe my Higher Power wants me to figure out how to enjoy the heck out of it while I’m on this earth. I can only do that if I heal the shame that binds me.

Susan Thom is the mother of three children, two sons, 20 and 23, and a daughter 25. Her older son is in the air force in Germany right now, and her daughter is in the army in Tacoma, Washington.

Writing calms her, and gives her a place to go by herself! Clears the head and gets it out. She lives in a rural area, with a lake and mountains, and her partner, and has loved writing since she was a child.

She has been on a journey of self discovery for twenty years, and has learned many things about the human mind, and how to maintain some semblance of calm and peace within.

If someone reads one of her stories, and relates to her feelings, and gets a suggestion on how she dealt with them in a positive way, that would be the ultimate gift of her writing.

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