I Buckled When I Was Being Too Rigid
Posted: Friday, February 29, 2008
by Susan Thom
There is a story of an old oak tree that stood proud and strong. Whenever the wind would blow, it would hold fast, and keep it's branches stiff. One day, a tsunami came through, and all the other trees and flowers bent with the wind and rain, and made it through. The oak tree was crushed, all of it's branches torn away. The oak tree asked one of the other trees how it had remained unscathed. "Ah, because I bent with the wind, and you stayed stiff."
How long has the expression "go with the flow" been around? It became annoying to hear, but the basic concept is the same, bend and sway, and you will have a better chance of survival with a more peaceful attitude. Our personalities have to adjust to many things, and many people, in order for us to release so much nonsense that keeps us upset and worried. We can choose to remain firm and solid, but eventually, we will crack. Just like the old oak tree that would never bend.
My father would never bend, as I was growing up. He was an ex marine, very strong and regimented. Things had to be exact. If we had to leave at 5 to go somewhere, we had to be in the car at 5. As we grew, and moved out, and he got older, he mellowed. Things that used to upset him didn't bother him anymore. His grandchildren, I think, gave him a chance at a time in his life he could accept it, to bend, and not be so harsh and demanding. I think he actually enjoyed being so much more at ease. He was no longer the oak tree that wouldn't bend, just simply the oak tree.
I am a very strong person, I always have been, I believe it to be my destiny, and my choice. I am independent, and have gone through most of my most horrific situations alone. I needed to pull from within for the strength I needed to get through each circumstance. But I buckled when I was being too rigid, too stoic, too unbending. I might have gotten through the initial problem, but I crumbled like old cement when it was all over. It could take months to get back on track.
However, if I try to incorporate a calmer attitude, which comes from calmer thinking, I can stay focused enough to absorb the pain and anger, or anxiety and worry, in a way that I won't get sick. This has taken a lot of hard emotional work for me, and years of different kinds of help, working towards the idea of learning how to bend! I always emulated my father and his marine, stoic style. We both learned the same lesson.
Life is not always going to work out the way we anticipated, but falling apart and withdrawing doesn't help anything, and gets you further behind. Sometimes, there is no choice. Something happens that is hurtful enough that you must give up and give in. You must feel the pain and sorrow, and loss. The need to cry and breaking down is a sign from your body that it needs to do just that.
Not to allow this grieving process to take place is harmful in the long run. We may be proud of ourselves for being so strong, but our branches need to bend, and if we restrict them, they will break. I've held things in for years, only to break down and not be able to get up for long periods of time. I don't want that to happen anymore. I have whittled myself down to the people I want to enjoy my life with, and I have many good friends.
I have slowly, over time, learned how to let go and let God, not sweat the small stuff, and concentrate on good, positive wants and dreams. I have a life to live, and I want to live it. I want to bend, and not break. I want to spring back quicker from adversity, and truly enjoy all the good things in life, and all the good people. I don't know why else we'd be here. Just like the old oak tree, bending in the wind.
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Top-level comments on this article: (2 total)Hi Sue, I agree with you. I have been through some rough things in my life - I believe we can be strong and bendable at the same time. If not, I wouldn't have made it through some of the hard things in life. The problem for me, was getting so hard-hearted in the process, that I had a wall so thick, no one but God could break it. And He did. Have a wonderful evening! TeresaPlease log in to respond to this comment.
hi teresa, i was so happy to wake up to 5 or 6 "notify of comments" live feedback, you can't beat it. keep bending, and making your road easier. thank you so much for reading and commenting. my best regards, suePlease log in to respond to this comment.
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