Susan Thom

Letting People Back Into My Life


Posted: Friday, February 29, 2008

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For a long time I was physically and emotionally drained. I couldn't deal with the situations going on in my own life, I certainly couldn't deal with anyone else's problems. Besides, I was weak and wounded and trying to find my way back. I didn't want anyone to know what was going on in my life, so I kept to myself and called no one. I was cut off from family and friends because I couldn't deal with information coming at me at the time. When they say mentally ill, I know exactly what that means. My brain was so ill.

My soul had been negatively touched, and my auto immune disease kicked in. This left me dehydrated and malnourished, with simply a will to stick it out. Although I do remember the breaking point when I said to myself, "I don't want to live, and I don't want to die." I did get past the first one, only to have life come back and kick me again. I was back down, but this time, when I got up, I had learned many lessons.

These lessons started a whole different lifestyle, attitude, and philosophy. I rooted out those who caused me harm. If I couldn't root them out, I didn't let them bother me anymore, for the most part, but that was a big change, and it was helpful to my recovery. The brain takes a long time to heal when it's been emotionally wounded.

Slowly, I added people back into my life. Friends and I called each other again. I e mailed them, they e mailed me, I started going for reflexology sessions, and feeling better, and dealing with stress better. I became friends with my reflexologist, and let her in to a part of myself I had kept closed for a long time. I think that first started after my mother passed away 19 years ago. I never wanted to get close to someone like that again, but boy, what I would miss if this friend wasn't in my life, so, she stays! Someone close to me is going through a difficult physical problem, and I am going through a divorce. Okay, from bed to dread, to move ahead. I am stubborn. Especially when I know I'm in the right.

However, I have support now from the wonderful people I accepted into my life, knowing I may get hurt, but knowing I can deal with it. I think. I have made many friends on this site I can e mail, and that is a graceful Blessing. It feels good to know people care about you. It adds positive energy to our bodies. If I wanted to protect myself, and not e mail anyone or leave comments, I would be missing out on some really neat people, and happy experiences.

I needed to learn different and better, more appropriate ways to protect myself. That simply is to be able to deal with loss, in the ways I have been taught to do. I didn't know these tools before. The releasing of your pain, and feeling it. I always thought you were supposed to buck it up, as my marine father would say. That just leads to breakdowns of mind and body. So, release the pain and cry until you can't cry anymore, and lie in bed, listen to music, cry some more, scream, holler, get it all out, and then, move on.

Sounds hard, or even silly to some, but for me, it's the only thing that's worked. Once I've let it out, I can begin to heal. It may take some time, but I will be going in a positive direction. If I keep it bottled up, I get cranky and irritable and depressed. It has to be released. Then, it's the old brain's turn to think in a way it can handle. If it's grief, there are things we can say to ourselves to help us cope. "This too shall pass", "If it was meant to be," "Time heals all wounds," "Breathe,""Focus," and "let it go." These tips don't stop the pain, they give us better ways of dealing with it. I know I don't want to end up in bed twenty hours out of every day ever again.

And I don't want to keep myself from people so I won't get hurt. So much pleasure gets missed that way. I was secluded and reclusive, and I missed out on a lot. Depression can rob you and all you know. Now, I let certain people in and enjoy their friendships. I know I'm not in danger, and if something happens to one of them, I'll know how to deal with it in an appropriate way. That simply means without causing myself embarrassment by my words and actions. And feeling the loss.

So, I let people into my life again. It's a little scary, I felt safe in my home with just my family. Not too much information flooding my brain. I seem to be doing okay. My brain has experienced what it needed to strengthen and focus, and learn enough to let people back in my life again. It's been a pleasure.



Susan Thom is the mother of three children, two sons, 20 and 23, and a daughter 25. Her older son is in the air force in Germany right now, and her daughter is in the army in Tacoma, Washington.

Writing calms her, and gives her a place to go by herself! Clears the head and gets it out. She lives in a rural area, with a lake and mountains, and her partner, and has loved writing since she was a child.

She has been on a journey of self discovery for twenty years, and has learned many things about the human mind, and how to maintain some semblance of calm and peace within.

If someone reads one of her stories, and relates to her feelings, and gets a suggestion on how she dealt with them in a positive way, that would be the ultimate gift of her writing.

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