Susan Thom

Was There A Time You Doubted God Was There?


Posted: Tuesday, August 12, 2008

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When I was in my teens, where were you to show me the way? I was lost, and fearful, and shy, and I had no self confidence whatsoever. I had one girlfriend, one boy friend, and a family life that was nothing less than chaotic. I still managed to go through grammar school, and middle school, and high school. Why didn't you get it through to me to go to college? I didn't want to go, but with your guidance, I could have gotten some type of degree that would help me now. I wanted to be married and have a home and have kids. I met someone who said they wanted the same things. Didn't work out that way. Oh, I was married, and I had three little kids to take care of, and a big home, but it turned out my spouse and I had nothing in common after all. Why didn't you warn me, or did you try?

I was trying to keep my head above water, and my mom got cancer, suffered, and passed away. She was everything to me. I felt lost and alone and no where near comforted. Where were you? My head was in such a fog, maybe I just didn't feel you. I wasn't ready to calm my self and notice the cardinals and nature, and feel what peace was about. When the worst part of my grief had subsided, You stepped in. I started reading and understanding more about myself, my character traits, my belief system, and I was coming along. I had a desire to stop drinking, and you sent me to a twelve step program that opened my eyes, and taught me some important lessons. Every meeting, which I attended nightly for four and a half years, taught me something new, and renewed my Faith, my Hope, and my ability to love. I felt you then.

I started carrying you around inside of me always, and knew Your strength was pushing me forward. Towards what, I didn't know, but I trusted You, and kept taking one day at a time. I stumbled and fell a couple of times. Remember when I was diagnosed with Crohn's? I was so ill. The depression pushed thoughts of You right out of my head. I thought I was going right out of my head! It was horrific, but You showed up, and gave me the strength to carry on, and mend my spirit, my body, and my mind. I could have never done so without You. I was back to doing my normal routine, but I had a lot of confusion and frustration to muddle through everyday, and it eventually took it's toll. This time was a little worse than the time before, and my comforter was all I ever wanted to see, except my kids when they got home from school. I was dying from the inside out, and after feeling what that was like, you visited me again, and with Your help, I got back up. Thank You.

I was put on beneficial medication, and I continued to live my life in the best way I knew how. You managed to get a friend to suggest I go for reflexology, and I believe it has made me more tolerant of life, and less likely to jump under the comforter again. I feel mentally better, which makes the physical part easier to bear. Thank you for that gift, and for my reflexologist, who I know is an angel in disguise. I still can't hold down a job, but that's the nature of the disease, and I have it. Raising three kids alone for two weeks on and two off, due to their father's work schedule, for twenty three years, and a house, animals, etc, has been a full time job for me. Thank You God, you must have sent angels, because that was the hardest job I've ever had, and I've had several, including delivering mail. I know You were there to help me do that, too. I remember walking in the snow or rain or 100 degree weather, wondering how I was going to finish, but I always did.

This situation going on now is insanity to me, but I know You are with me, guiding me, pushing me, allowing me to learn and benefit from the knowledge I am gaining. I know you are giving m the strength to handle what I need to do, and I thank You. I'm sorry I doubted you earlier. I was young, and naive, and I didn't see the wonder in the important things in life. I couldn't understand the beauty of a deer, or the courage of a chipmunk, having to be exposed to all bigger animals, just to run out of his hole and get some food for his family. I couldn't be still long enough to watch the clouds change shape, or enjoy the flowers all around the property. A rock was a rock, now it is energy and overwhelming in it's majesty.

I'm guessing I had a lot to learn for my inner self, so I can help others through my writing. Also, so I could live a calmer, more peaceful life. There is so much more of me to give than there was with all the chaos surrounding my life. Thank You for putting an end to that. I know I still have conflicts to fight, kids to deal with, and I know a lot will happen in the future, both good and bad. I have learned by You staying close by, that I can not only handle myself, but I can handle myself well, and I can deal with problems as they come in a calmer way. I can better accept situations and people for who they are, and I can be happy no matter what spot on this Earth I am standing on. God, thank You for always being there, even when I thought you weren't.



Susan Thom is the mother of three children, two sons, 20 and 23, and a daughter 25. Her older son is in the air force in Germany right now, and her daughter is in the army in Tacoma, Washington.

Writing calms her, and gives her a place to go by herself! Clears the head and gets it out. She lives in a rural area, with a lake and mountains, and her partner, and has loved writing since she was a child.

She has been on a journey of self discovery for twenty years, and has learned many things about the human mind, and how to maintain some semblance of calm and peace within.

If someone reads one of her stories, and relates to her feelings, and gets a suggestion on how she dealt with them in a positive way, that would be the ultimate gift of her writing.

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