It Really Is Possible To Change Another Person
Posted: Tuesday, November 18, 2008
by Susan Thom
You can change another person mainly by your example. If someone is used to being loud and obnoxious and swears a lot, you can approach him about it, and if he wants to change, he'll listen to what you have to say. He'll calm down, be less annoying, stop swearing, and get along better with groups of people. If he doesn't want to change, there's no reasoning with him until he himself is ready.
I've been through many changes at many times, and the knowledge usually came from books, someone close to me, or what I applied to my life with the information in those books. Or from 12 step meetings, where I learned the most simplest of things, yet, I was unaware of them. I then got to incorporate them into my life, and throw away the power alcohol had over me. It was the most honest, real, bonding, humbling, and spiritual road I've ever been on. These people and their beliefs changed me, that's why I know it can be done. Then again, I wanted to change. So many don't make it because they don't want to listen, learn, sacrifice, and change.
In other areas, you can make a person change without them wanting to. Your examples of being responsible, trustworthy, fair, and humble can rub off on them without them even being aware, but you can see it. If you have learned to be calm during a disagreement, and keep your voice low, and communicate your point, chances are the other person will begin to do so as well. When things that used to upset you, don't anymore, those around you pick up on the peace, and whether they know it or not, they follow your lead. People can change, and you can be a part of it. If you demand respect, you owe it. If you want to get a point across, the worst way to do so is by yelling.
If you are aware of others' feelings, and don't hurt them, your disagreement won't be so intense. Name calling and dragging up your last lifetime's sins isn't necessary, productive, or good for the soul. If you know you are fanatical about certain things and that drives people nuts, you could stop the annoyance by talking to yourself and asking, "How important is it?" Arguing, negative intent, and bad feelings are not good food for the soul. One might think it feels good to let it all out, but unleashing your anger on another should tug at your soul, and if it doesn't, there really is something wrong. Only you can control yourself and your thoughts and words, but you can spread a good example to your spouse, your children, and your friends by toning down your attitude over whatever ails you at the time. It is a positive happiness when you see that someone else is following your lead.
Maybe they figure if you can do it, so can they. I've seen it happen, that's why I can comment on it. When my kids were little, they were excellent examples. If I yelled and carried on while my 3 little tikes were running around the house, they ignored me and made me more angry. When I learned to be more patient, and talked to them in a calmer manner, they, too, became calmer. I experienced it happening, that's why I know it does work. When I was going to 12 step meetings, it was mostly about listening to what others had to say, and their suggestions on what and how they changed to make life better. It rubbed off, as intended. Those thousands of words I listened to changed me, coming from those hundreds of people, so others did change me.
I'm not saying that everyone has the ability or desire to do so, but if we are willing and anxious for a change, others can help us reach that goal. And I also have seen people who don't even know what's happening, change by following the example of another. They may not think there's a single thing wrong with their attitude, or their thinking process, but they are angry and rude and miserable to be around. Unbeknownst to them, while spending time with someone who is calm and courteous and respectful, they start to become the same way. We all have the potential to change, whether we want to or not. I have seen people come into the 12 step program with a huge angry chip on their shoulders, but have to attend meetings by the court.
Some just get through the hour to get their statement signed, and when their time is done, they head straight to the bar. I have also seen those come into the rooms, and learn how to think and act in a better way, and never touch another drop of alcohol. They in turn, help others. a very rewarding experience to help someone turn their lives around. Our demeanor and our kindness, understanding, concern and love for another can work wonders, whether they are aware of what is happening or not. They may not swear so much, or steal anymore, or they may become responsible and show up to work everyday, and finally let their spouses feel safe and secure. All because they were positively influenced by others.
We all know it can work the opposite, when one hangs out with the wrong crowd, and starts to act and think like them. It's a much better ending when it is a positive change, than a negative one. In both scenarios, you can change a person. Even if they never realize it, or you never know it. In the meetings, someone might pick up on what you say every night or every week, and change for the better, their relationships are better, their lives are better, and you'll never know it was your words that helped them become who they are. It's always worth it to try.
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Top-level comments on this article: (1 total)Great stuff. I really enjoyed your article. I think you toch on a very important point. A person must first want to change before anything will.Please log in to respond to this comment.thank you anon,i know the saying is, "you can't change anybody", but as you said, if a person is open and willing to change, examples that are set by others can help them do just that.my best regards,sue thomPlease log in to respond to this comment.
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