Relief And Fear Live Together In Our Lives
Posted: Sunday, August 23, 2009
by Susan Thom
When I was younger, I would rejoice once a major problem or concern had passed, and the coast seemed clear. Relief can be a wonderful thing. However, it soon became crystal clear that one difficult situation would eventually be followed by another, just as a joyous occasion would dwindle and lose it's momentum with time.
These lessons were being learned and absorbed in my teens and twenties. They started out pretty simply, in retrospect, although I remember the pain and hurt and confusion of the times. The anguish of being told my mom had breast cancer, and needed a double mastectomy and chemo, as well as radiation, was a huge blow to my whole family.
Only prayer and a closeness with God can calm the storms, and I realized this at an early age. I appreciated the words of comfort from other family members and friends, however, when you are in fear of losing your mother, the words somehow fall on deaf ears. It was a time to grow up, leave the trivial things to the side, and appreciate every minute.
"This too shall pass", and "Time heals all wounds" became more than the stagnant words they were while going through the pain. The drama passed, wounds were healed, and life went on, but not without lessons learned. Studying for exams, dealing with the rumor circle of girls in High School, and finishing homework, became insignificant and trivial to me.
A zipper breaking on my jacket on the way out the door was irrelevant, and simply an annoyance, not a catastrophe. I now knew the difference. My mother survived her treatments and eventually went back to work taking care of others, as the nurse she had been for 30 years. Life was good again. There was a slight sense of relief, but fear still lingered, just not to the point of the panic I had suffered for months.
I graduated and moved on to the work force, and had many different jobs, and even got my own apartment. I was working at a post office, and I was able to furnish my piece of the world with nice furniture, and a '74 white corvette in the back parking lot. I went through a period of frustration, fear, depression, and I had more questions than answers. However, I was self sufficient and I was responsible for the mistakes I made on my own.
It was a long, dangerous, and painful time. Obviously, my mother's close encounter with death had hit me harder than I even imagined, and I thought it had hit hard! I aimlessly reacted to life and what I had to do, such as showing up at the time clock every morning at 6 a.m., for seven years. I emptied the skids of heavy bags of mail, sorted it for the carriers, waited on customers, and even delivered the mail when needed.
I was not living the kind of life I knew I should, but I was bankrupt of any kind of pride, or sense of self worth. I met someone I thought was a good match for me, and me for him, and perceived a happy future together. I was married and had 2 children who were 2 and 4 when my mom passed away. Her cancer had returned, she suffered for months, and then, my worst fear became my living nightmare, my mom was gone.
I grieved for a very long time, but I made sure my children were well taken care of, and even had one more child, and as the years went by, the old adages kicked in, "Time heals all wounds" and "This too, shall pass." I was enjoying my kids, making our house a home, and doing all the many things a mother of 3, and a homemaker does. I couldn't quite shake the fact that my mother was gone, and therefore, I went through a very rough period. I did so alone, and without support. I also quit drinking during this time.
As I came out of that heartache, I became ill and was diagnosed with Crohn's, an autoimmune disease, and I was suffering pain and depression at the same time. I was either going to die, or change things around. I changed them around. I got divorced. I became ill with Crohn's quite a few times during the proceedings. I had rashes and hives many times, and my depression level was a 20 on a scale of 1-10. I was weak, dehydrated, and malnourished, and still had to keep going. And I did.
Now that is also behind me, and I can once again start to feel hopeful for the future. I am happy, and strong in my convictions, and I feel relief, and not fear or stress. I am strong enough to think positively about my daughter going into the army, and my son in the air force. Fear is not going to fuel my existence. Been there, done that, many times. I am strong in my mind, and my body just has to follow for now.
I can clearly see how each emotion has played a part in my life. Fear and relief, I just don't think any of us can dodge either one. What we can do, is learn how to handle our emotions through our thinking process, and therefore, not get to the point of getting sick over any one particular situation. Life is hard for most of us, and dodging the obstacles that come across our path is daunting, to say the least.
Personally, I rely on God for answers and sometimes, I receive questions. "What is my part in this situation?" is a great place to start. My belief in a Higher Power has fueled me to deal with whatever comes my way, even if I may be on empty. Once I take the initiative, and do the right things, relief does come. And when I am working at my full capacity, there isn't anything I can't accomplish, with His help.
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