"I Don't Know Where I'm Going, But I Sure Know Where I've Been"
Posted: Saturday, September 26, 2009
by Susan Thom
The future is wide open, and blind to the mind's eye. I can dream and plan and hope for things to happen the way I want. With a clean slate, anything is possible, but until the future becomes the present, I really don't know what's in store for me. Faith and Hope carry me through from one day to the next. Prayer is my constant companion, and I must accept what I am given.
I can also analyze where my anger first started, and heal it in any way I can. If a parent or sibling or teacher, gave me a rough time growing up, I can talk to them about it face to face, through a letter, or through e mail. Even if they don't understand their part, it will lift layers of grief and anger if I say what I've been thinking for years.
Without that blackness sitting in my soul, I find myself feeling free and balanced. Not everything is going to go my way, so balance, for me, is truly the way. I try to stay at a level where I won't get too excited about the good, so I don't get so depressed about the bad. It's been 53 years of battling myself to get to this point, and I'm not done yet.
There are still feelings I have that have been damaged and I am trying to learn how to repair them. Maybe they aren't meant to be repaired, maybe they are just another lesson on the journey of life. However, the way I deal with future feelings may cause me less harm. Wisdom is the sum of all my experiences, it's just too bad those experiences have to be so painful.
Sometimes I wonder if I want to be wise, or take the ignorance is bliss route. The wisdom of losing my mother at age 59, came after feeling the most crushed I had ever imagined. From that, I gained strength to better deal with this world. I learned acceptance, and patience, because at the time, there was nothing I could do.
She was suffering from cancer, but her heart wouldn't give out, and I watched her every day for four months deteriorate. I couldn't do a thing. I couldn't call the doctor-she was in the hospital. I couldn't give her drugs-I had none. I couldn't save my mother, so I had to learn how to be calm and go through the motions, and accept the inevitable. When she passed, it was a Blessing for her, and the worst sort of torture for my family and I.
These skills for life have stayed with me for the past 20 years. When my kids were little and got cut or bruised, it was easy for me to take care of them. Some mothers don't like the look of an open wound, and I certainly didn't either, but after what I had already been through, what I had already felt, I had no problem disinfecting their cuts and bandaging them.
However, this philosophy I try to live by has it's limitations. When my son was 8 and fell of the jungle gym, he had a spoon break to his arm, and luckily, he was facing me with his good arm while we waited for the ambulance. That, I couldn't look at. He had to be operated on and when those wooden doors closed to the operating room, it was the worst feeling I have felt before or since.
I stayed in the chapel and prayed and thought and cried until they came to get me to tell me he was fine. So, there are times when even those who know how to think and act and react, have a meltdown. My own proverbs and sayings that normally help in times of stress, are meaningless. However, if I am strong in my desire to help myself live a more normal life, I will take the time needed to mourn and grieve, and get back to my mission.
I might notice that I am doing more around the house, or outside. I might be enjoying the weather and sitting out on the porch. I may wash those curtains I've been putting off. The strength that I am feeling is an indication that I am coming out of the black fog and into the brighter sunshine.
I might not know where I'm going, the future is a secret to us all, but I know where I've been. I know what I've been through in this life, and I know the way I feel. Nothing was worth it if I didn't learn from it. Everything happens for a reason. It's up to me to decipher what that reason is. Am I too stubborn, too cocky, too angry, too rude, too analytical, too prideful, too judgmental, too manipulative, too dishonest?
Because of those traits, have I offended others and caused problems? What can I do about that? I can change. I know where I've been and it hasn't served me well. I might not know where I'm going, but if I commit to living the best life I can, wherever that is will be filled with hope and faith and happiness.
I have 2 children in the military, and one living in another state. The magnitude of even thinking of my kids in the military during times of war, and even if it's not considered a war, well over 4,000 of our troops have been killed, would have brought me to my knees at one time. But because I've been brought to my knees enough times through my life, I am handling this the best way I know how-with support and pride; faith and hope.
I don't know where I'm going, but I sure know where I've been.
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Top-level comments on this article: (7 total)Yes Susan, knowing where we've been can in a major sense direct us to where we are going. good articlePlease log in to respond to this comment.hi david,thank you.i like how you worded it...it's perfect.thanks for reading and commenting,my best,suePlease log in to respond to this comment.
Beautifully expressed, Sue.The only thing that does not change is the fact that everything changes. I feel like I am finally growing up and I don't know how to feel about that.Again, nicely done.Please log in to respond to this comment.hi ken,i know how you feel-i still think i have to get up and go to school in the morning!i can't even believe i had 3 kids, raised them into their 20's, and now they're all gone, and 2 in the military no less.time flies, and the time to enjoy is now!thank you for reading and commenting,my best to you,suePlease log in to respond to this comment.
Rightly said! Some say that the present is the only thing worth living as the future becomes the present and the past is long gone.Please log in to respond to this comment.hi linda,welcome to searchwarp.i, too, have heard that saying. hard to live by sometimes, but very true.all we really have is the present, and that present is God's gift to us.thank you for reading and commenting,my best to you,suePlease log in to respond to this comment.
Well written and with good intent, but the WE's, OUR's, and US's are what kill it for me....Why do Christians continue to babble on about how WE need to do this and BELIEVE that?....This story should have been about YOU, YOUR experiences, and YOUR hopes and beliefs.Because YOU need or believe in prayer doesn't mean we all do...Think about it: If a person needs constant vigilance in their beliefs then they must be the sickest of all....People try to heal their mental, spiritual, and emotional illnesses with beliefs, hopes, and prayer, the same way a doctor describes "placebo" for a patient who imagines he's sick.WE ARE NOT all spiritually sick! WE DO NOT all need prayer! WE DO NOT all need something to believe in.......I don't need Christ, God, Allah, Krishna, or any other man made crap to pull me through tough times.... It's all in the head.....16 years ago I recovered from drug addiction (Cocaine), took care of my terminally ill mother, went through my divorce, and had a daughter who was in a Boston hospital for a suicide attempt...All within a ten month time period....WE are all human, and WE make it happen; not some made up God(s)....Time to give YOURSELF some credit Susan...YOU are the one doing it - not God!"... but until the future becomes the present, WE really don't know what's in store for us. Faith and Hope carry US through from one day to the next. Prayer is OUR constant companion, and WE must accept what WE are given.""Acceptance makes way for change and a better quality of life. Knowing what to accept, and what to change, is the wisdom that comes from experience. If WE start to accept that there are things WE can handle in a better way, WE are on our way to a happier life. If OUR temper has brought us untold trouble, WE can begin to work on the way WE think about things so WE don't get so angry.""WE can also analyze where OUR anger first started, and heal it in any way WE can. If a parent or sibling or teacher, gave US a rough time growing up, WE can talk to them about it face to face, through a letter, or through e mail. Even if they don't understand their part, it will lift layers of grief and anger if WE say what WE'VE been thinking for years."Please log in to respond to this comment.hi kenny,i thought about exactly what you are saying as i was typing, but i didn't know when to change the I's to we's, or we's to I's.it's something i will be watching in the future, even if i say, in my opinion, or, i have found....thank you for reading and responding,my best regards,suePlease log in to respond to this comment.
You are one strong woman Susan Thom! Well said.Please log in to respond to this comment.hi brianna,thanks for reading and commenting.i do believe i AM a strong woman, thank you.i sent you an e mail.my best regards,suePlease log in to respond to this comment.
Susan ~ "I" and "we" not withstanding - after being an atheist for over 9 years there is much to say - but Jesus is the answer to life's questions. When we are weak He can be strong on our behalf. We (or should I say I?) need to learn from our expereinces - it is how we grow and mature.He is able and sometimes, maybe most of the time, we are not and we do need to ask for help that Jesus is more than willing to give. Is that weakness, I do not think so, it is wisdom. Sending you a big e-hug, MarijoPlease log in to respond to this comment.hi marijo.don't worry, i don't mind constructive criticism, and he was right. i need to start saying I and not we all the time, only we always wants to jump in there.jesus and God are the ONLY reasons i am here. they are with me when i am lonely, when i miss my kids, when i worry about my kids, when bills are due with no money to back them up, a divorce from Hell, no matter the situation. oh, and especially when i am afraid. ther love is like a safety blanket promising me hope for what lies ahead.thank you for reading and commenting,my best,suePlease log in to respond to this comment."...- after being an atheist for over 9 years there is much to say - but..."***You still are an Atheist!...If you believe in just one God and not the other 1,000's throughout the world then you are an Atheist....Not believing in the other Gods makes you guilty of being a non-believer....Unless of course you can prove in the God of Jesus is the only God...Good luck with that!!.......KennyPlease log in to respond to this comment.do you just delibertely try to annoy people?or is it a gift?if you don't have anything nice to say, please donot read my articles or spread your cynism on my pages, and certainly don't insult my readers!suePlease log in to respond to this comment.
Sorry Susan, I didn't know calling someone an Atheist because they don't believe in the other Gods was an insult...I thought it was a fact, but hey what do I know...I guess it's best to leave those alone who wish to stay in their fantasies and illusions than to pass on the facts - a concept foreign and scary to believer's...I gave you an opportunity to show and convince me of God's glory and power, but you failed me...In return I asked the tough questions you obviously chose not to answer - which was a golden opportunity to "enlighten" me... I passed on the truth to you, and got nothing in return...Some spiritual leader you are...I'll leave you alone from now on............KennyPlease log in to respond to this comment.
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