You Can’t Change Someone Else, Or Can You?
Posted: Friday, December 25, 2009
by Susan Thom
I think we've all heard the saying, "You can't change someone else." I believed this for many years. So, I worked on myself. I read many books, from spiritual to feelings and emotions, and I began to learn about myself. I even discovered helpful character traits through reading books on astrology. My sign of cancer had all the qualities I had been living with since I was a young girl. Now, it all made sense. I also was attending 12 step meetings every night for 4 years, and not drinking. I was now exposed to yet other beneficial explanations about human nature and how everything stems from fear.
Things didn't bother me like they once did. I had more patience, and dealt with situations in a better way. The 12 steps help you get to a place of peace, so when you are new in the program, things that used to make you drink, become things you positively can work out without feeling that need. As time goes by, the desire for a drink is less and less. It was the philosophy I was exposed to in those meetings that caused such a change. For this reason, I believe you can change another person, they just have to be open to the information you are introducing them to.
No one is going to be helped if their mind is closed, and they don't take full advantage of what the program has to offer. However, if you are determined, you can accomplish anything you set your mind to do. As I was changing, and learning about myself, and what to do to make life better, I was also affecting others who saw a change in me. That's why I believe you can change another, if they are willing to do the hard work it takes to modify the way they live. I did so much soul searching, and attitude changing, and I still carry all I learned, within my soul, and live a much happier existence.
Therefore, other people were able to help me change. They introduced me to concepts I had either forgotten, or didn't know. I was willing, and accepting, and the principles have kept me away from a drink for almost 16 years. It's a powerful tool, a 12 step program. Those who guided me, helped me to change. I don't believe I could have done it without their help. The desire to stop drinking isn't the only motivation for change. We can use the knowledge to improve our high's and lows, our quick temper, jealousy, envy, greed, and martyrdom. Again, when other people watch you changing and calming down, they might follow in your footsteps.
Therefore, I think the idea of not being able to change someone else, is not always the truth. If someone wants what I have, and are willing to work for it, I believe I could help them. I've seen it work. I watched others calm down, and learn that the little annoyances of life don't have to turn into big annoyances. And why is that? Because they've watched how I handle certain things, and they know they can do it, too. I don't believe there's anyone who is perfectly put together, that they can't use a little help once in a while. If they're willing, one can help another change.
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Top-level comments on this article: (8 total)You make some very good points here Susan, I believe I have changed a lot through the years but most of my changes came through maturity.When I look back at my last 40 years I can see where I was a complete ass going through different stages. But I believe I have overcome many of my faults in the past couple of years. I certainly am not striving for perfection for no one is perfect or ever will be But as you say we can change from some of our negative ways. "good article"Please log in to respond to this comment.merry christmas david,i understand exactly what you're saying.i hope my "ass" :) days are over.have a great day,my best,suePlease log in to respond to this comment.
Very nice, Sue. We can provide a "road map" for others if they wish to follow. Of course, the danger is in thinking we can convince them to change. :)Good wishes for another good year for you.Please log in to respond to this comment.hi joyce,thank you for reading and commenting.i know what you mean about convincing another to change-only makes for more worry and heartache. however, if they want to change, and would like our help, sometimes the results are miraculous.i also hope you have a great year coming up,my best,suePlease log in to respond to this comment.
Congratulations on your sobriety! I am the adult child of an alcoholic father, married an alcoholic man, and have an alcoholic daughter. I have probably attended more AA meetings that many alcoholics :) But, I did it as support for those in my life. My Dad wouldn't continue with the program, my ex-husband wouldn't go, and my daughter continues to drink and use drugs. She was a collector of chips and went to meetings as long as she was the focus. But I am convinced that AA works for those who want recovery and are willing to be honest. The program doesn't fail but people do. Keep up the good work because there are those that need someone like you!Please log in to respond to this comment.hi mel,i know the scenario you speak of. my grandfather, father, and brother were all alcoholics. my brother is going to meetings again, at 47, and so many losses in his life because of not sticking to the program.i believe the same way-the program doesn't fail, people do.you have to want to stop, or there's no incentive.thanks for reading and responding, i appreciate it,welcome to searchwarp.my best regards,suePlease log in to respond to this comment.
great article! I thoroughly enjoyed it and I agree..we can help one another to make changes for the better. God Bless You! and congrats!Please log in to respond to this comment.hi jo,thanks for the blessing, and the same to you. and also, thanks for the congrats. i think willpower has a lot to do with anything we want to accomplish. i'm glad you enjoyed the article, that's always nice to hear.a belated welcome to searchwarp to you.thanks for reading and commenting,my best regards,suePlease log in to respond to this comment.
Great article with some good information. Thanks for sharing.Please log in to respond to this comment.hi linda,i appreciate your comment.thanks for reading and commenting,my best regards,suePlease log in to respond to this comment.
Hi Sue-- Like your last line and I agree with it 100%--If they're willing, one can help another change.Happy New Year!StevePlease log in to respond to this comment.hi steve,i've seen it happen both ways. i'm for the underdog!have a very happy new year as well,thanks for reading and commenting,my best,suePlease log in to respond to this comment.
Hey Susan
All really good points you've made in this article. Each person is unique and when people make black and white statements about people being unable to change, this takes away any option in their heads that this can happen. It becomes fact in their mind, rather than just an opinion. Their actions then reinforce this fact.
Well done with this article, keep up the great work.Please log in to respond to this comment.hi judy,thanks for reading and commenting.all i know is learned through experience.if i could use that experience to help one person,i feel, that's a good thing.welcome to searchwarp, i think you'll really enjoy it.my best regards,suePlease log in to respond to this comment.
Very basic question of human life affected in this article. I mediate on it for days.True - if you can not change your mind, how you can change the thoughts of others. But the nature of human meaning is attached to many things and people around the world. So he continues to advise others to change according to the thoughts in his mind. If others do not listen or modify it under the expectations of his thoughts, his selfishness feel hurt and his body language expressing the thoughts of anger and agitation. Our thoughts continue to change with the growth of our wisdom, experience and age. Many parents are unable to settle his thoughts with the thoughts of the child and continue to suffer in his thoughts. When parents try to impose his ideas on children with love, they are actually torturing him in his thoughts. All martial relationship suffers because it fails to settle his thoughts with his life partner. All the tensions in the world are the result everyone wants to run the world as it is perceived by his thoughts. Many saints have no power, position, honor and luxury of the world. Many have no medical insurance, no shelter to live and adequate food to eat. Yet they live in peace and happy and playful life because they have control of his thoughts. Their goal in life is to win the world by winning your thoughts.Please log in to respond to this comment.hi G S,thank you for reading and commenting."Our thoughts continue to change with the growth of our wisdom, experience and age." very true, it has happened to me.i do believe the less you have, the more unencumbered you are with "things."my best regards,suePlease log in to respond to this comment.
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