Parents Aren’t Free from Pain
Posted: Tuesday, August 10, 2010
by Susan Thom
When a child comes into the world, most mothers want nothing more than to coddle them and kiss, hug, take care of, and play with them. Fathers feel the same. They work long and hard hours making money so they can afford their little ones. The cold or the flu or a few aches and pains aren't enough to miss a day's pay. We buy cute outfits and blankies and toys we think they'll like, and we furnish them with swings and play sets and watch them like a hawk. We are quite sure that we would stand in front of a train, pick up the corner of a car, or fight a mountain lion or a bear to protect our little ones.
As well as relationships started, and as happy as two people may be, things may change. Like a run in a stocking, the break and negativity spreads, a little at a time. It can't be stopped, and the frustration, pain, disillusionment, fear and lack of knowing how to handle these feelings, seeps into the family lifestyle. Those children are still loved, but are caught in a crossfire of adult meltdown, and no one is a winner. Very few people can keep a clear and loving head when in the middle of an angry battle.
The kids see and hear the anger and sometimes hatred, and they are tarnished, and changed forever. Even if they use the examples in front of them to learn what not to say and do in anger, they will never forget the memories. Parents don't want this to happen, but it does. Usually, they are embarrassed by their own behavior, so they don't address it, and sometimes, they just don't know how to handle what's happening. They wish they had somebody to cry to, or put a band-aid where it hurts, but the Band-Aid is in their hand.
When more than one thing is devouring all positivity, the behavior is worse. Of course, a parent is responsible for both the emotional and physical care of their child or children, but sometimes, a lapse in decency is evident and shameful. Fear can make demons out of kittens, and unfortunately, all suffer. As life becomes more chaotic and verbally nasty, the hurt becomes deeper and perplexing. A child can't feel protected by someone they neither know anymore, or care to! Oh, there's negative influences and people to try and lessen the pain, but until the wound is fixed, the days just seem to melt into one another.
Trying to stay busy is probably the one thing we all do, whether children or adults. Stay busy and it won't hurt so much. Stay busy and one can't remember last night's battle. Sometimes these tactics work, and sometimes they simply don't. Not being able to sleep is the worst. Darkness and pain; not the best of friends. Sometimes arguments are between parents and their children. They are both on different levels at some point in time, and create a static negative electricity that may better be avoided for a time. This seems cruel and unnatural, and it is both, but sometimes, parents aren't free from pain.
We don't always know the right things to do or say. Loving someone doesn't help us know how to mend the fences that have been broken. When there is a difference of opinion, there may be anger, and a parting of the ways. Although the love remains, the relationship fails. Memories don't fade, but they are useless without the time spent with loved ones. Fear of being rejected can last years. No one thinks it's right, but often times, it happens. No one wants to be hurt, and yet, by ignoring the situation, we do irreparable damage as the years go by.
We know the hollowness is inside our soul, but pride and stubbornness take over where love and caring should stand strong. We eliminate those we've argued with, and try to get on with our lives. Never quite understanding why we feel a void that turns to anger at the drop of a hat. When the cat food spills, we yell and scream. When the sugar bowl tips over, we yell and scream. Our own child doesn't do as we ask, and we yell and scream. If we were happy in our minds, hearts, and souls, there would be no reason to yell and scream.
We're lucky if we can heal and move on before we get the call that our loved one is dying or dead. When someone we love passes away, we are sad, but when someone we love doesn't know it, and we've been out of touch, no matter whose fault it is, pain will follow us until it's our time to leave this world. I had the experience of never getting along with my father. I decided to confront him, clear the air, and we moved on. The last 10 years or so of his life, we were close. But what could have been for the 40 years before?
He was my hero growing up, and I thought he knew everything, and could handle it all. It wasn't until I became an adult with a family that I realized, he was just a man, trying to do his best. And when his best failed, he responded in anger. You see, he knew he was my hero, and he felt he was letting me down by not having enough money, etc. It was hard for him to face his kids and wife and family. Sometimes, we never know what motivates a person to act in a certain way, and it's only when we realize that our heroes feel fear, too, that we may be able to hold out our hand.
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Top-level comments on this article: (3 total)Good article Susan, thanks for sharing.Please log in to respond to this comment.hi david,thank you for reading and commenting,my best,suePlease log in to respond to this comment.
Well written and much needed piece Susan!Please log in to respond to this comment.hi marijo,thank you for reading and commenting.they say write about what you know! :)there's no one guiding or looking over parents' shoulders, telling them what to do in the best interest of the child. it's mostly trial and error. if when we, as young adults, can understand that, maybe things could be better.my best to you,suePlease log in to respond to this comment.
We don't receive any training for the most important, toughest job there is, parenting. I'm glad you've come to terms with why your father acted as he did. I think once we become parents we can look back and perhaps better understand our own parents behaviour. We're all human and make mistakes, even when trying to do what's best for our children sometimes. Well written Susan!Please log in to respond to this comment.and well answered bri.my home life drove me to drink, but i stopped 16 years ago.when i read your articles, how i wish i could sit and have a glass of wine with you! thanks for reading and commenting,i always appreciate hearing from you.my best,suePlease log in to respond to this comment.
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