The Fastest Way To Normal Is To Leave The Abnormal Behind
Posted: Friday, January 27, 2012
by Susan Thom
There are millions of people who have no tolerance for those who "blame" their parents or caregivers, for all their whims and woes through their years. It’s a very touchy, delicate, and I believe, complicated subject. I’ve researched it in books and articles, I’ve talked to friends and acquaintances about it, I’ve watched movies about it, and I most assuredly, lived "it." I blamed the "living it" for all my sadness, anger, inadequacies, and laziness, for years.
However, he had some excellent qualities, and his family loved him very much. The blame still stuck! We four siblings learned a lot from my parents, and my dad was a joker and liked to laugh, and passed that down as easily as his quick temper.
When you grow up in a small house, with 6 people, I don’t think you can help but attach some of what you hear and see to your own personality. I know I did. My mom drank on Christmas-one or two glasses of cherry, and my father had a beer whenever his mouth was open and he wasn’t at work-of which he was a cook, slaving over a hot skillet all day. For years, I took after my dad! And for several more, I blamed him.
At some point, going through the twelve steps I imagine, I learned about the blame game, and surrendered to the "Sue" game. This is not to say that the thoughts and actions of others weren’t wrong, it simply meant I could learn better ways of dealing with them, and my own thoughts and ideas. However, I know from first hand experience, if someone is trying to hurt you with their words or actions, they usually will.
The trick is to accept that it is indeed their problem on how they handle themselves, and not mine. This had to be understood and practiced at an early age, and I was able to get a good job at the post office at 21 years of age, and worked there until I got married at 28. With my kids’ father working 2 weeks on and 2 weeks off, where was I going to work? Would you hire a person who was in that position? I never found anywhere that would.
Life continued, and my resolve, which had always been strong, was continually going down. Evil trumps good until good has had it! Evil also weakens us all to the point of depression and lethargy. However, just as our mind reacts in a negative way, it can also work in a positive way. When you have a healthy awareness what right is, then you can figure out how to extricate yourself from wrong. The fastest way to normal is to leave abnormal behind.
We can all start our lives over and in a different frame of mind if we choose to do so. Rarely, we might even be able to positively influence any situation we are in, or people we are exposed to. This is possible, improbable, but doable! Been there, done it, and know the idea has potential. Others also may have been negatively influenced growing up, but if we take responsibility for our part, and try to mend our own ways, evil has no where to go but out! Most of us are intelligent, and can make the transformation with knowledge, experience, and hard work. To those who think outside influences while we are growing up don’t matter, maybe we should be reminded by this poem:
Children Learn What They Live (1998)
by Dorothy Law Nolte (1924 - 2005)
If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.
Excerpted from the book CHILDREN LEARN WHAT THEY LIVE
©1998 by Dorothy Law Nolte and Rachel Harris
The poem "Children Learn What They Live"
©Dorothy Law Nolte
Used by permission of Workman Publishing Co., New York
All Rights Reserved
Children DO learn what they live, and if they are willing to work on themselves, they can be their own teacher. We eventually reach an age where we must go out on our own and face the world and those in it. Okay, so mommy swatted us with the belt when she finally caught us. Okay, daddy called us names when he got mad. Okay, kids at school were just plain mean. Okay, our part time boss made us do all the dirty work. We witness what we see and hear, and when we are in these positions, we may be negatively influenced.
There is a time in everyone’s life where they have to evaluate how they want to live the rest of their lives as adults, no longer the wounded child. The fastest way to normal, is to leave the abnormal behind, and build a normal life for ourselves. This, is the best gift we can give ourselves and our children.
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Top-level comments on this article: (4 total)Susan, This is your best! While I don't get to read as many articles I would like, I am so impressed with your writing. You brought this together beautifully. (I have already printed it and will give it to someone who could benefit.)
Thanks for a truly great read!Please log in to respond to this comment.hi nancy,
what a way to start the day-i am humbled.
thank you for reading and commenting.
it's easy to write about things, people, and situations that you have really gone through :) if writing is my thing in life, God gave me enough to write about.
i hope these words help your friend.
i appreciate your comment,
have a nice weekend,
my best to you,
suePlease log in to respond to this comment.
I forgot to add this. I love the title. Perfect!Please log in to respond to this comment.i truly believe writing is a gift, and if so, it emanates from God's hands, and when i write, or come up with a title, there are times i am quite sure i am being used as His instrument. and i'm happy to oblige:)
my best,
suePlease log in to respond to this comment.
Hi Susan,
Nice article.
Another friend of Bill W's. DawnPlease log in to respond to this comment.hi dawn,
how nice to have a new face appear.
bill W. pretty much saved my life, and i never even met him!
i hope he is doing the same for you.
i appreciate you reading and commenting.
keep up the hard, but good work, it is definitely worth it,
my best to you,
suePlease log in to respond to this comment.
The care and love of our precious children is the most important issue facing our "advanced" society. Your work and treatment of this topic is marvelous. I pray about this daily. Thanks for your gift.Please log in to respond to this comment.hi c,
i have watched every minute of my kid grow up, and it's given me a lot of insight on how to help them be good people; honest, hard working, kind, and loving.
some days it shows, some it doesn't, but it's a topic i am very interested in.
thank you for reading and commenting, it is always appreciated.
my best to you,
suePlease log in to respond to this comment.
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